Why?

I had been planning a blog post for today about my town day on Friday and then on Saturday too. 

My mind is all full of ordinary everyday minutiae. 

Here is the problem.

My MIL died last night. We got the call today. 

Now I know I do not process grief like normal folks. I know this. There are many reasons for it that I will not go into. Long and boring kidhood stuff.

I watch other people react to things like this. My reaction is to swallow it and  get on with life. 

My mil dies and my thoughts are... what day will I take the cat in to spay? Oh I need relish for the deviled eggs today...

Now yes I do think of the others hurting. What can I do for fil? (Right now he is refusing to see or talk to anyone) What can I do for my Beloved who is trying to grieve like I do, by being busy with mundane day to day stuff. 

I loved my mil. It was not the close knit daughter/mom bond that I hear of. I admit some days it was more of a Lord love her through me kind of love.  Lately it had become more real, more natural, as if some how I understood her better than others. I had been praying for her, perhaps that is the key. The more I prayed to understand her and to love her and forgive her, the more I truly began to do those things.

My last act for her on Friday was to give her one of my Bibles with passages marked that help me when I feel I am drowning in a pit. Verses that help banish my fears or my lack of ability. These are my last memories of her as I kissed her forehead and told her we loved her and were praying for her. It dawns on me, that I really did love her. I will miss her.

Rest in Peace mom.